Surrender in Dominance and Submission
I once read a statement about how being a parent was a daily lesson in surrender and letting go of power and control. While I don’t have biological children of my own, this concept truly resonates with me as a Domme. At a precursory glance, I’d posit that most people would associate the word “surrender” with submission rather than dominance, but upon diving deeper you will find that all people must master the art of surrender, especially Dommes.
As a Mistress, I serve as a vessel that my submissives pass through on their journey to personal fulfilment and enlightenment. I enjoy holding space for them as we work together on connecting with their higher self, but I would be lying if I said that it was easy to let them go when the time was right. Learning to surrender to my calling in life has been my life’s most challenging feat. That’s not to say that there aren’t certain special relationships wherein the D/s dynamic is lifelong. I’m blessed to have relationships like that too.
It’s probably hard for most folks engaging in their first power exchange relationship in the submissive role to predict that they might evolve beyond that dynamic at some point. I remember when my first Master and Mistress told me that I had a great capacity for dominance and would be a powerful Mistress some day, I vigorously shook my head no and stated that I just wanted to be submissive and be devoted to them forever. Obviously time revealed that Master and Mistress were right- it wasn’t that I outgrew my submission, through my training and through surrender I learned to understand it better, and therefore only implement it when it served me to do so. Though my relationship to submission changed, the devotion aspect never did and I am still devoted to R and Collette today. In a way, respect and deference for mentors are their own, more subtle forms of devotion.
“Now that you belong to us, nobody else is allowed to dominate you without our permission,”
was what was told to me as I was being collared for the first time. That one sentence reframed my entire life and relationship with power. With that new perspective, I was able to see how often I was surrendering my power to people who didn’t deserve that from me, it was my first step to recovery from codependency. I strongly believe that I was only able to see my submissive nature from a different vantage point was because I willingly surrendered to my Doms.
Being in control of one’s own submissive experience is like trying to find your way out of a dark room with only one exit. Until I was able to trust my Doms to open the door and push me over the cliff, I was simply bouncing around this small cramped room, repeating the same patterns and mistakes over and over and over again. Dominants are like a flame in the lives of their submissives, they bring light to the darkness and illuminate things that were once obscured.
In the past five years, it has been my honor and privilege to lead many others down the same path my Dominants led me. I always laugh to myself when I recognize power in a new devotee and they deny it. “You’ll see,” I tell them, and eventually I get to hear those 3 words that all Doms love to hear -“You were right.” Watching people blossom and own their power is such a gift, and my life is incredibly rich because of it. Something else has also happened over the past 5 years though, themes of trauma and oppression by the patriarchy have been kicked up and are swirling around our society like a dust storm. I have been heartened to see the ways in which oppressed people have banded together to fight back against these evils, but I also think that with these themes at the surface, many are too afraid to surrender right now. We are all desperately trying to deal with our own trauma and hold onto our power as the rich get richer and corrupted get more corrupted. So, over the past 5 years I’ve seen a severe decrease in the amount of folks who come to me for training and are actually willing to fully surrender. While I wholeheartedly understand this and support people’s needs to take care of themselves, I am sorely missing the level of devotion that comes with surrender in my relationships, and am writing this blog post with the intention of calling those types of relationships back into my life.
Based on my experiences, I know that my purpose is to help some subs evolve their relationships with power dynamics, and I know that I will eventually have to surrender the Mistress/slave dynamic for a more evenly distributed power dynamic. So when I actually have the opportunity to connect with someone in the context of D/s or M/s, I want them to be ALL IN. To me, these relationships are like blue giant stars- they burn very hot and very quickly, until they burn out, and turn into something else. When you think about it though, it is actually all about equality. If i’m going to be expected to fully surrender, so are you, it’s only fair.
I know what you’re thinking- how do you know who is a “safe” Dominant to surrender to? I guess there are a few answers to that. For me, it was intuition, but I’ve always known to trust my intuition. For those who are more skeptical, I’d recommend following the same rules that many follow with tattoo artists- only trust people with your body if you’re willing to live with their mistakes. BDSM and power exchange relationships are the advanced calculus of relationships, Dominants aren’t infallible. At some point, they will probably make a mistake, but if you can trust them to take accountability and be willing to “rumble” or have tough conversations with an open heart and mind, then you’ve got yourself a good Dom. References also never hurt.
I realize that as a Domme who wants these kinds of relationships, it is my job to prove to aspiring devotees that I am mature and respectful enough to hold this very intimate space for them. That I can be responsible with their body, mind, and soul while they’re disrobed from their armor. Once this trust is established, we’re able to enter into a very sacred emotional space. Each day, when my submissives enter into my space, the first thing they do is disrobe and present me with their collar. Without speaking, they’re telling me “I am choosing to lay my armor at your feet and surrender to you.” They’re telling me “I trust you.”